I finally let go of the outdated version of myself that was shaped by religious programming.
The truth is, I released her inwardly years ago. But depending on the people I was around or the room I walked into, I found myself bringing her back. Sometimes I did it to appease others. But mostly I did it because I wondered, What if I’m wrong? What if the way I was taught is the right way after all?
Then one day, I was talking to my sons. I told them, “You have one life. Don’t live this one life you’ve been given trying to make everyone else happy, only to end up miserable. I want you to live the life God has given you.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, they came right back to me.
Why was I still living my life for everyone else?
After that conversation, I started noticing what happened each time I brought her back. I set aside some of the peace and healing I’d found to return to a version of myself I no longer felt at home in. Peace gave way to fear, and Love gave way to judgment. I still had questions, but I could no longer ignore what that pattern was telling me. I didn’t need to keep abandoning myself to prove I was on the right path.
I don’t want to reach the end of my life and realize I spent so much of it trying to be acceptable to others that I never fully lived as myself.
I have compassion for the version of me who was afraid to question, who second-guessed her own heart, and who believed belonging depended on saying and believing the right things. She was trying to be faithful with what she’d been taught.
But I’m allowed to examine those teachings. I’m allowed to release what was rooted in fear and hold on to what is rooted in Love. And I’m allowed to be honest about where my journey has led me, even in rooms where that honesty feels uncomfortable.
I released her inwardly years ago. Now I’m choosing to stop bringing her back—whether it’s to make someone else comfortable or because I’m afraid I might be wrong.